There are times when I wish Dad would just leave me alone and not insist on bedtime bathroom jobs.
But Oh No, every night we have to go through the same boring routine which goes something like this:
(Sound of snoring, from somewhere very close by – very very close by)
(Dad enters the room, I look up.)
“Come on Angus, time for a wee before bed.”
“Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?”
“OK but you need to go outside for a wee.”
“But I don’t need one.”
“Yes you do. Everyone needs a wee before they go to bed.”
“I don’t wish to split hairs but I think you’ll find I’m already in bed.”
“Well OK, but I still think you need a wee.”
“But I don’t need one.”
“Come on Angus, out!”
“No. I’m not coming.”
“If you don’t come I’m going to have to lift you out of there!”
“Huh! I’d like to see you try. I am a big, tough, fierce Labrador, and no-one can make me do what I don’t want to. Not even… Ooh, No, Aah, Gerroff me.”
(Sounds of door opening and feet on gravel.)
“There, now be a busy boy.”
“But I told you I don’t want to!”
“Humour me.”
“Well OK, I suppose I could try.”
(Sound of Niagara Falls as Angus has the longest wee in the history of the species Canis lupus familiaris)
“See, I told you I needed to go but would you listen?”
(Splutter) “OK then, let’s get you back indoors.”
“I’m not coming in, I like it out here.”
“If you don’t come I’m going to have to lift you in!”
“Huh! I’d like to see you try. I am a big, tough, fierce Labrador, and no-one can make me do what I don’t want to. Not even… Ooh, No, Aah, Gerroff me.”
(Sounds of door closing.)
“Goodnight Angus”.
(Baleful Labrador eyes)
“Good night. and I hope the bed bugs do bite.”
Angus
