Agony Aunt – Part 2

Dear Aunty Judith

Please can I come back?  I’m not sure I want to live here any more since……  I can hardly bring myself to talk about it… <whimper>  But I suppose I must.

I was lying peacefully in the sitting room the other evening, tired out after another day of being me, when it began.

There was a sound in the utility room like my porthole being opened.  (I should explain that M & D had very thoughtfully provided me with a means of looking out of the back door.  It’s a little flap thing at just the right height that I can push with my nose to see out.  It works the other way too, so I can let people know when I want to come indoors.)

So there was this sound of the porthole opening.  Dad and I looked at each other and realised that it wasn’t windy so the only thing that should have made it move was me, and I was right there in the sitting room.  At least, that’s what I  thought he was thinking; it seems Dad had other ideas because he went to investigate.

Something significant was obviously afoot because M & D went into a flurry of activity.  Honestly, I have never seen them move so fast before, the poor old dears.  I was banished from the kitchen from where strange caterwauling sounds could be heard.  Eventually things calmed down and I was ushered off to bed.

The next morning my unease deepened and  a creeping sense of doom started to settle on me.  It turns out that what I thought was a porthole specially installed for my benefit had another, darker,  more sinister purpose.  It is… a DEVIL flap, a portal onto an alternative universe, a dark, dark place of pain and grief.  What happened last night is that a fearful monster, a Lucifer of the animal world, entered through it.  This loathsome creature is the deepest black with yellow eyes and, though it is a fraction of my size, it’s mere presence dominates me and threatens my very existence.  Birds, mice, rats, small mammals and all canines flee at its approach.  It pads along menacingly, as quiet as the shadow it casts over everything it passes.  The sun is eclipsed, an icy chill descends, and a dark power emanates from it that forces me to bow down and avert my eyes as the terrifying beast approaches.  It has an effect like the Dementors in Harry Potter as all the happiness is drained out of the world.  Or so it seems to me.

M & D seemed quite unaffected by it and were pleased to see this dark creature.  Perhaps they aren’t muggles after all, but Death Eaters?

They have tried to explain it to me.

“The thing in the back door is not a porthole or a portal, but a cat flap, and the ‘dark beast’ that entered is our black cat, Ron, returning home after his annual spring and summer holiday.”

“We don’t know where he goes, and this year he went a couple of weeks before we picked you up.  If he had been here when you arrived you would have quickly bonded with him.”

“Bonded with him?  But he’s the devil personified!  I mean, he won’t play with me.  Who could possibly not want to play with me?”

“Well, that’s true but you need to understand that cats feel themselves superior to dogs and expect dogs to respect them.  And while he is used to dogs, having lived with Bengie, this is your first face-to-face contact with a cat.”

“Respect? I think he’s terrifying!”

“Well you have got off to rather a bad start, what with the doorway incident, the TV remote control, jumping up at him in the utility room (big mistake), and the strange  but funny incident with the toaster.”

“I have erased these dark memories; remind  me?”

“You were lying across the kitchen doorway and he wanted to get through so he did, while you remained frozen to the spot, unable to move a muscle for fear of instant and painful reprisal?”

“Then you wanted to steal the TV remote from the sofa – a habit we have been trying to break you of – but he was sitting next to it eyeing you up.  You stood there, torn between the self-rewarding treat of taking the remote and the fear of death by cat, before deciding that you’d get the remote another time…

You must remember him reacting when you jumped at him on the worktop?”

“Oh yes, I do. His body mysteriously swelled to twice its size, his ears flattened, he hissed at me and lashed out with his claws.  But I got the better of him that time because I jumped out of the way in the nick of time.  Hah!”

“Yes….. but that was a warning shot.  If he’d wanted to, he would have got you and then you would have known about it.”

“And the toaster incident was just …. funny.  He was sat on the worktop, you were on the floor.  He was looking at you with disdain. You were looking at him with eager anticipation but mostly fear, wondering what his next move would be.  Your whole body was tense, waiting to react.  And then the bread popped up in the toaster and you jumped a foot in the air.”

“Alright, I get the point but he is scared of me too.  I mean, I have chased him upstairs a couple of times.”

“Yes you have, but that’s just cat psychology. He’s luring you into a false sense of security, letting you think you are in control.  But one day he will turn, and if you corner him be prepared for pain and retribution that you have never experienced.”

“So I can’t play with him at all?”

“Best not to. Here’s some good advice:”

Dogs and Cats – Lesson 1

Dogs and Cats – Lesson 2

Dogs and Cats – Lesson 3

As suggested by Judith (see comment below), here’s a Simon’s Cat clip to get you started.

“So, know your place and everything will be fine. You’ll get used to him and he to you,”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,”

“Oh, OK, I’ll stay then.”

“And Angus”

“Yes?”

“Give back the handkerchief that you just stole out of my pocket”

“Sorry. Er…. it’s a bit soggy.”

Angus

“Oh, and by the way, he will drink out of your water bowl even though he has one of his own.  It’s a little reminder of who’s boss.”